Edward with an AXE
by The New Fullmetal Alchemist
Summary: Ed and Al have a bit of a problem... but nothing some overpowering AXE wouldn't cure! I do not own AXE. One shot. Why aren't the question marks showing up? Hmm...


**A/N: This is just something I felt like doing for the sake of doing… that and my friend said something really funny today about deoderant, so why the hell not? **

**I do not own FMA (or AXE, or Adidas) – but check out my other stories!**

Edward was standing in his bathroom. He was wearing pink boxer shorts and had a bad case of bed head – not to mention the red imprint on his face that was a result of him using his auto-mail arm as a pillow. Yet not even the luxurious feel of his blue shaggy-carpet bathroom rug between his toes could make Ed feel better today.

"Bastard," Ed said through gritted teeth, his face contorted with malice.

Yes, everyone, _the_ Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric, was cussing out his deodorant –again.

"I really, _really_ don't like you!" he fumed at the helpless Adidas deodorant stick. "You don't smell that great, you're always crumbling, and you have some funky ingredient in you that always makes me break out in a rash!" – Edward was shouting at this point – "and not to mention the fact that I _still_ get sweat rings under my armpits on all of my shirts!"

"Brother?" a concerned Alphonse asked from the bathroom door. "Are you yelling at your deodorant again?"

"YES I AM, WHAT'S IT TO YOU!" Ed quickly shouted at his brother, his face turning red with fury while a vein on his forehead pulsated.

"Sigh… I wish I had the same problems as you, Ed… I don't even _have_ sweaty armpits to put deodorant on…" Al said dejectedly.

"Well, that may be true Al, but…" Ed stopped mid-way through his sentence, his eyes bulging.

"OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT AWFUL SMELL!"

"Um, brother?..." Al asked nervously, beginning to cower back behind the door again.

"Al! Have you been putting cats in your armor again?" Ed asked his younger brother huffily.

"Well, I, uh… not right now." Al said in a small voice.

"AAAARRGGGHHH! Then why does it smell like a wharf in here!" Ed shouted.

"Well, you know brother, cats have to eat _something_…"

"You put FISH in your armor!"

"Yeah… why, it doesn't smell that bad, does it?"

"You stupid hunk of metal, it smells disgusting!"

"Oh, sorry, brother… I guess I didn't notice…"

"Great! Now I really wish that you _could_ wear deodorant!..." Ed lamented while plugging his nose.

"Say… you know what, brother? I think I know the answer to both our problems!"

"What, a humane society?" Ed asked, still thinking about cats and dead fish.

"No! Come on, brother, let's go to the store – I'll show you exactly what I mean!"

30 minutes later Ed and Al left the Central City Mini-Mart with enough "Axe" brand spray-on deodorizer to suffocate an entire army.

"Heh-heh," Ed grinned evilly. "I bet I could use this stuff on the colonel!..."

"Brother, please… no one deserves that!"

"Yeah, I guess you're right… So, Al, which kind do you want to try first, 'Tsunami,' 'Essence,' or 'Kilo?'"

"I don't know, brother, which do you think is more manly?"

"I think the real question is, which can cover up dead-fish smell the best?"

"Brother, you know that's a stupid question."

"You're right… well, let's go with this one – 'Apollo' – after all, you're going to smell like this stuff for about a week, so it needs to smell good, right?" Ed asked as they turned down an alleyway towards home.

"Right!" Al replied.

"And hey! The little label on the side says that it'll help you pick up cheerleaders!"

"Cool!" Al said excitedly. "Brother, spray some on me now!"

"Well, ok…"

"SSSSHHHHHTT"

"Cough-cough! Damn, that shit is strong!"

"Sorry, brother!"

"That's ok – let's just get out of this alley – I'm having trouble breathing!"

As the two brothers walked back onto the main street towards home, a man opened up a door to in the alleyway, took a sniff or two of the air around him, and yelled: "Hey! Who the hell sprayed 'Axe' in the alleyway!"

End.

**Haha! That was pretty good, huh? Heehee – did that last line sound familiar to anyone? Just replace "alleyway" with "hallway" and you've got it… I actually went onto the AXE website to look up the scents – the Apollo one really did imply that you could pick up cheerleaders! It was actually a pretty cool website… not that it matters much to me, being female and all… oh well! Hey, did you know that 28 of males at Spring Break are arrested pants-less? Courtesy of Haha! Oh, and no offense to Adidas brand deodorant – that's just what my friend happened to be using at the time – I have no idea how good it is – I use Ban (which I love!) Please read and review! If you have any other ideas for one shots, let me know! (So far I have Ed on crack – but I'm willing to do another – and this one about AXE.) Thanks!**


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